Why is it that, when dating and looking for love, we all too often choose a partner who turns out to be not good for our well-being?
Maybe this has happened to you… or someone you know.
You get attracted to a seemingly wonderful person, but sooner or later you realise that the relationship is quickly becoming toxic in some way… even harmful to your well-being.
And the really frustrating thing is that it is frequently a repeating pattern… that you often seem to suffer the same kind of abuse or toxic behaviour.
Even when we think we are becoming more conscious or more spiritual, and we create intentions to attract and manifest a partner with wonderful qualities. We use things like Law of Attraction and have a very clear and detailed vision of the kind of relationship we want to manifest. But still we end up in relationships that are not good for us.
Why is that?
And what can we do about that?
If you keep attracting toxic relationships, you may be being mislead by the feeling of “chemistry”.
Most people would probably agree that, when it comes to dating, “chemistry” is super important, especially in the beginning when you are trying to feel out if you have a connection wih someone.
The problem with this is that sometimes, what we think of as chemistry may in fact be old programming from our childhood, and it may not be a good sign for a healthy adult relationship.
Research in psychology, stemming from the work of psychoanalyst John Bowlby (1907-1990, cited in McLeod, 2017), shows that as infants we develop certain “attachment styles” based on the kind of relationship we have with our primary caregiver. When our primary caregiver is attentive, warm towards us, and sensitive to our needs, for example, we develop a more secure attachment style, in which we feel safe and loved, and as a child we feel confident enough to be able to explore, play, and socialise with others. If on the other hand our parent or parents do not provide that safe attentive and loving environment, we develop a more anxious attachment style which can cause us as a child to feel distress, despair, or depression.
So that kind of sounds logical… it makes sense that a child would be anxious or distressed if its caregiver is neglecting or abusing it.
But what gets really interesting is that these attachment styles that we develop stay with us into adulthood and influence the relationships we form with others.
As adults we are more likely to choose partners based on our attachment styles. Our romantic bonds tend to mirror those we first established as infants with our primary caregivers.
Research has found that even when people can identify positive qualities, such as attentiveness, warmth, and sensitivity, as attractive, they may still end up with partners that confirm their negative, self-harming attachment styles (Frazier et al., 1996).
Our romantic relationships are a mirror of the attachment styles we developed as infants.
At an unconscious level we learned as a child to associate love with the way in which we were treated by our primary caregiver. If our parent or parents were abusive, toxic towards us, or just emotionally distant, then we are going to unconsciously associated love with those behaviours in our adult romantic relationships.
As psychologist Dr Nancy Irwin says, “If trauma remains unresolved, you may unconsciously seek the comfort of the known, even if it is painful.” (Lebow, 2021).
That is why we may feel “chemistry” with someone who is subliminally or energetically, giving out signals that they are likely to match the toxic behaviour with we learned to associate love when we were a child.
Find out your attachment style using this self-evaluation: What is Your Attachment Style?
Tantra can help you to break the pattern of attracting the wrong type of partner.
Tantra helps you in general to become more aware of yourself, to learn about yourself, and to become aware of the patterns you have inherited from your parents, and your childhood wounds that keep you attracting toxic partners.
And on the other hand having this extra awareness empowers you to not rush blindly into a relationship based on the chemistry that you feel with that person. Taking a more Tantric approach means having a more holistic perspective of the world, of dating, of the person you’re with, of your own feelings. Seeing the bigger picture you can feel into your feelings, and listen in to a more subtle or deeper level of what your feelings are telling you.
Tantra is definitely about slowing down, not rushing. There’s no need to rush.
The chemistry you feel with someone is mixed up with your hormones, the excitement and novelty of meeting someone you like. These are very physical, very strong feelings, which can eclipse the more subtle insights of intuition and Divine guidance.
Of course chemistry can be a great thing, but sometimes it can be misleading.
In this weeks podcast episode I explore this theme and give some tips about how to enjoy that initial chemistry without letting it mislead you into bad relationshp choices.
YuTantra.com is a new Tantra dating and events online community… a private and respectful space where you can find and connect with others who share an interest in Tantra. And it’s free to join!
Sources
Auman, C. (2020). Tantric Dating: Bringing Love and Awareness to the Dating Process. (2nd edition). Green Tara Press.
Frazier, P. A., Byer, A. L., Fischer, A. R., Wright, D. M., & DeBord, K. A. (1996). Adult attachment style and partner choice: Correlational and experimental findings. Personal Relationships, 3(2), 117-136. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.1996.tb00107.x
Lebow, H.I. (2021, June 10th). How Childhood Trauma May Affect Adult Relationships. Psychcentral. https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-childhood-trauma-affects-adult-relationships
McLeod, S. A. (2017, Febuary 05). Bowlby’s attachment theory. Simply Psychology. www.simplypsychology.org/bowlby.html
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